Following ABC’s culling of the Chaser’s royal wedding commentary (read about it here), we decided not to cancel the planned dinner with friends where we’d meant to have a laugh over the monarchy and its associated silliness. Instead we made up our own sarcastic commentary.

I’d never heard of Phillip Treacy and I still don’t know who he is other than a milliner of silly hats, but what I do know is that I need to get me a Phillip Treacy hat. All the royals are wearing them! Anything resembling a crinoid, satellite dish, wedding cake, embryo from Shrek or an octopus-toilet seat hybrid will do. One has to keep up with the latest fashion, even if said fashion is less than fashionable. But hey, I’m just a commoner, what do I know?

I’d like to talk to the guard who opened the door for the Queen. Except, of course, he didn’t, because the Queen walked out on the other side. Her Majesty clearly chose to disregard the lesser peoples (because isn’t that the whole point of making them get out on the side facing away from the abbey entrance?) and took the shorter route, leaving the door-opener on her side of the car clearly devastated. He’d probably been training for the role for the past few months. Open door (don’t fumble!), salute, try not to look stupid (nothing you can do about that, dear, you’re a commoner)… Too bad mate, better luck next time. Maybe during Kate and Will’s divorce!

Given the immense hype and speculation around Kate’s dress, I expected to be dazzled. Instead, all I saw was a dress too loose for her skinny chest (come on, you were all thinking it – are those her nipples?) and a train long enough to clothe a dozen starving African children (probably worth more than enough to feed ten dozens). [Her sister's dress, on the other hand... Too much fake tan going on there, though.] The fashion commentator described her hair as being “half up, half down”. What does it take to be a fashion commentator?

At one point during the hymn-singing, the camera zoomed in on Camilla, and she looked like she was about to cry. A possible reaction to the Queen’s rebuff earlier on? The Queen gave several people, Prince Charles included, a kiss and hug, but all Camilla got was a very brief semblance of a handshake, without even a direct gaze, as if she couldn’t wait to get it over and done with.

And the happy fairytale couple? The two looked absolutely exhausted. And what was up with Kate’s smirk during her vows? Too late to get out now, girl. Should’ve taken Hitchens’ advice.

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